Working on a new strength.

Everyone can be hurt. Sometimes it seems the most natural thing for a creature in pain, is for it to lash out and cause another being pain. In humans, it seems that the more we hurt, the quicker we are to try to hurt back or hurt others. An almost reflexive response. I want to move past this type of behavior. I am not above using force or negative reinforcement to stop someone from intentionally haming me or others, but the pettynes of contiuing a game of bad karmic transmissions doesn't feel right to me. There are lots of alternatives for rational beings. Again, not looking to be the world's chump, victim, or cosmic dumping ground. Fuck with me or those I care about at our own peril. The difference now is I can be as "forceful" as the situation allows, btu I will no longer look forward to the sadistic glee of hurting someone past the point of submission. My pain is now my own. I own it, and I am no longer looking to share.

However, this is a process, and if pushed I may fail and revert to my old ways.

So many things = nothing.

    I seem to have a whole adolescent symphony blaring in my head. Trying to orchestrate brunch with the fam on Mother's day. Got my feelings hurt and my ego-checked recently (blame squarely sits on my own shoulders). Old faces from long ago keep popping up in modern ways and settings. I had a great experience that I wish I could forget. Life seems less cyclical and more reflective. The blues chicken I've been studying has come home to roost. Great artists are inspiring me to do everything but get off my ass and create more. I'm starting to wonder if my chronic self-repression is good or healthy. I'm not a Vulcan, but the irrationality of humanity often repulses me, but it also seems to define humanity at our core. As a sci-fi geek baby I never wanted to be the Hulk. What does the world need with a nuclear powered temper tantrum? What good is a screaming two-year old that can toss around trucks. I scare myself with my own potential for violence, hurtfulness, and destruction. I sit VERY tight on my bad feelings so I don't- you know. And there are so many ways. Imagine a creative mind focused on hurt and destruction. Someone good at figuring out problems turning their mind to intentionally wounding people - physically, emotionally, financially, professionally, through loved-ones and property damages. If someone with half a brain turns their
Feh. I need to get coffee.

So here's the idea-

     Photos of people in abused, degraded, and/or debased situations (probably hot females-for aesthetic reasons), all wearing t-shirts with clearly legible inspirational and pithy sayings on them (Possibly always the same font.) "I am Jesus' little rainbow" in the middle of a circle jerk (with camera equipment and lights in-frame). "Go confidently in the direction of your dreams!" on some poor kid half-dead in a gutter. "Grandma spoils me rotten!" On someone working a dirty public bathroom glory hole.
    Maybe I should get counseling. Or a good camera?

I am suffering

from a severe bout of responsible. Pleas send me all the aloofness, frivolity, and "fuck-it" that you can spare. Also the young lady that just blew into the coffee house has on a perfect outfit for today-except for her shoes. Them shoes need to go.

Crazy Weekend.

Shit is confusing for realz. Today I knuckled down and worked on a project that I was tempted to blow off, and afterwards I was pleased with both the progress and the results. I'm thinking about Wednedsay and this weekend already. I'm spending more money, so I'm closer to broke, but it feels like I'm making good investments that will pay off in the long run. I may need a hardcore social sabbatical soon, so I want to see folks I care about even more befroe I crawl into my own navel to accomplish som

Extended adolescence.

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I need a kite.

I need a kite. And the soundsmellfeel of surf. A dingey hotel. Maybe some good liquor and bad company. I might come back physically, but if you see me smiling- my heart is floating in the breeze.